I haven’t been able to settle myself into a serious relationship till now. I haven’t found the ‘perfect’ one for me and the idea of a perfect person for me is someone who can save me from my own demons. I admit; I have a twisted mind. I get happy seeing people in pain when things work out in my favour. Whether it’s in my work life or in my personal life.

I don’t really like the idea of being in a relationship. The thought of committing myself to one person forever scares me because I don’t know if I can be the one who can stay committed. And then, eventually, the blame will fall on me and I hate having anyone else point a finger at me.

I have had several affairs with men. Some were married, while some were in a relationship. My conscience doesn’t get hurt when I have affair with those who are already committed to someone else. I enjoy the attention I receive from men and it somehow fills me with pride. I have worked very hard to maintain myself and look my best every single day. Most men are never loyal. Some are so shameless that they look at me even when they are with another woman. Their eyes subtly gaze all over me, just to check me out. And I take that as an opportunity to strike up a conversation that later turns into endless texts, calls and ultimately, an affair. When these men look at me, despite having a woman beside them, I feel very confident. It only means one thing—I look so stunning that these men can’t help but look at me. This brings in a lot of confidence and I really feel good about myself.

This feeling—I am so good that even married men would risk it all to be with me—is incredibly fulfilling. This feeling of fulfilment is very addictive. Nobody really praised me back when I was a child. I craved to listen to compliments from people as a teenager and the need to seek validation only grew as I got into college and then started working. It was great fun to see people get attracted towards me. This turned into an addiction when I managed to attract men who already were with someone else.

But before the affair gets too toxic or too much to handle, I break it off with the guy. I get to feel like I am always the one in control. This gives me a superior feeling that is very hard to shake off. I have dated five to six guys and it might even continue!