His story: We had an arranged marriage and I thought I am truly lucky to have an intelligent and an attractive woman as my life partner without much searching. We have shared great moments together like soulmates but when it comes to sex, she somehow dodges me. I asked her indirectly if she liked someone else because if she does, I will support her and help her be with him. But she denied any such relationship and hugged me. My doubts over her sexual orientation stem from some instances when I noticed her checking out other women. We went to Goa, and she would watch only women. She is my soulmate but without sex. Should we remain in such a marriage? I don’t know how to address this without offending her. Please help.
Her story: I am married to one very amazing man. I adore him but I don’t feel sexually attracted to him, never was but he’s a nice guy so I didn’t make him wait and we got married. He is my best friend too! We have been married for a year now. My friends told me that don’t have sex until you are totally ready so I have been dodging it till now. However, I think my husband has started having doubts. I have a feeling he thinks I am a lesbian. Should I tell him this directly? Can this cause a rift between us? I love him but I have not told him yet because I have been told that men take you for granted too easily if you give too much. Please help.
Response by Vishal Bhardwaj, Founder, and Relationship Coach at Predictions for Success
Sex is an ambiguous phenomenon and there are numerous blurred lines. One’s reluctance or unwillingness to be in that zone of physical proximity can not be concluded as an inclination for same-sex relationships. There could be other reasons, one should be patient to find them out through mutual conversation.
For Him
Sexual compatibility plays a huge part in a relationship. Often, especially in India, we keep undermining the aspect of sex in a relationship. However, we forget the medium of keeping the mutual attraction fresh and constant is sexual intercourse. If your wife seems reluctant to initiate any kind of physical intimacy with you, that necessarily doesn’t mean her sexual orientation is different or she is a lesbian. Sometimes, people have different ideas about sex. Instead of considering it as an imperative necessity, people treat it is an outcome followed by certain prerequisites. Those prerequisites could be emotional involvement, mutual feelings, understanding, etc. So do not jump to the conclusion that she has no interest in men. Talk to her, discuss it thoroughly, and mutually decide on something that would be conducive for both of you. She needs to understand that you as a partner deserve her love. Moreover, the physical intimacy aspect is quite influential and dominant in a relationship, though not the sole fulcrum of a relationship. She needs to understand, sex is not everything but something that can’t be overlooked.
For Her
You are in a relationship where every small thing makes a difference. Do not let that serpent of doubt creep into your gorgeous heaven. First of all, your dormant sexual desire can not be the determiner of your sexual orientation. You have to be vocal about this. There is nothing wrong with you being a lesbian. However, if you are not, and your reason for not having sex is different, you need to express it with all your guts. The chaos of doubt is perpetrated by you only. You should have told your husband the reason for not having sex. You need to understand that your husband is also a man of blood, flesh, and hormones! His sexual desire deserves your attention. But if you are not OK with it, then tell him directly. You can’t wait for things to get exasperated! Talk to your husband on this matter. He is the one who is suffering from this and so is your beautiful relationship. Come with your truth, that’s the biggest escape.
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